poema #20

(as written on 24 July 2004)

Puedo escribir mas tristes los versos esta noche.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

The last time I wrote that verse down was two years ago, something I sent to my friends the night my boyfriend and I had broken up.

I say it again about Rhed, and suddenly I'm feeling much of the emotion I did back then. Again I am being left by someone I love – and though my love for him transcends the romantic, the pain I’m feeling is close to unbearable.

My solace is leaving.

Last night at Dish, I could barely watch the boys' set without breaking down in tears. I realized that the only time I ever stopped was when I was behind the camera, the lens offering me some slight distance, desensitizing me from the reality that he is leaving. If only I could be behind the lens in the next month...

I'm so glad Dee was there to hold my hand and comfort me. I'm sure I must've looked like an idiot, bawling my eyes out. The people in the surrounding tables (waiters included) must've thought I was retarded or something. I had to keep taking trips to the bathroom just to make sure I didn't look like I was crying the whole time. I don't think it helped. He asked me right after if I cried.

Deny to death. Don't let him see you cry.

I vowed a long time ago never to let Rhed see me cry. I've always been good at hiding how I feel. Last night though it couldn't be helped. Poor Eirah who was sitting right next to me - must've thought I had gone mad. Franco even walked in on me crying. How embarrassing. Even Nica, who had called me to let me know she was on her way, wasn't exempt from hearing my sobbing. I had to get out of there. I had to leave Dish. I did not want Rhed to see me sad.

It’s a little embarrassing to display your feelings in front of, well, the world. It’s like parading down 5th Avenue with a placard screaming: “Waaah! He’s leaving!” I guess it’s also because I’m afraid people won’t understand why I’m like this. I’M VERY HAPPY HE’S LEAVING. This is his DREAM. And who am I to react to his leaving like this anyway? It’s not like we’re, well… together. We’re not exactly the best of friends either. We’ve always just been Rhed and Chiko. Although people may never come to understand our sordid relationship, I can tell you this much: HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.

Saying goodbye to the boys was difficult. As I hugged and kissed each one in, I had one thought "Things will never be the same." The way Roger looked at me and hugged me... He knew. I think of all the boys, Roger was the one who knew exactly how I was feeling. I had to leave after that, because I could feel the tears coming again.

Like a mad woman, I cried driving home. I cried at the ticket booth, I cried on the road, I cried dropping Nica off, and I cried parking my car. I even cried some more in my room. God only knows why I'm feeling the way I do....

I’ll miss him dearly.